Drive it like you stole it

Oh Captain, my Captain.

I cant continue this. I cant continue to be so madly in wonderment with you. It causes me regret. I regret not being more proactive. I regret being so wildly attracted to you that I could barely function around you (although that couldnt actually be helped – it is rare that someone energizes me so much that all wild spirit causes me to stop like a deer in headlights, and I will not regret that). I regret not being honest, and telling you the first time you said “What ever makes you happy” that I hated that you had just said that, it caused me to think that you wanted nothing to do with me. I regret not letting you in, or trying to break down whatever godforsaken walls youve put up. And now you are gone all the way across the world, and I am here left in the dust.

I was raised to regret nothing. Never regret the things youve done, only regret the things you didnt do. But those are killing me now too. I wasnt ready for you. You are never ready for the people who will actively change you, especially when they don’t realize that they are changing you. Everyone wants me to be mad at you. I guess anger is the easiest way to be done with someone, to burn them out. But that seems cruel.

I keep telling myself that you arent as great as I think you are. That really you are just selfish (who isnt), or a player (who hasnt been), or that you are nothing but your past (no one is ever that simple). I wish you would just be obviously heartless towards me instead of giving me little pieces of hope.

 

what is this my 28789237th post about how I am so very done with you? it will happen… Im sure… I hope… Maybe…

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