Yeah, we up!

Ever wonder what it is like to break down and completely lose touch with reality. I don’t I’ve been fortunate enough to experience it first hand.

Hitting rock bottom is exactly what it looks like in the movies. Except you don’t actually realize that you are hitting it, in fact you don’t even notice when you fall into the chasm. Right before I moved to Montreal I hit rock bottom and had a nervous break down. Only the people closest to me at the time actually saw it (and dealt with it incredibly well without making me freak out even more)

I had spent 3 years in an emotionally repressive, intellectually stunting, and sexually frustrating relationship. To start with, at least once a week he would tell me that he could never love me because of his previous “trauma” in relationships. He would repeatedly tell me of all the things that I couldn’t do with my life (get a job in mtl/ottawa/halifax/my field). We only ever hung out with his friends whose idea of a good time was playing rock band, or watching UFC, or playing WOW all in the same room ///kill me///. The sex was methodical and near the end of the relationship I would wake up to him drunkenly having sex with me and calling me another girls name (the girl he would eventually leave me for).

I was in love with him, but at the same time I hated him – it has been pointed out to me that I have a problem differentiating these two feelings. He didn’t love me, he had all the control. He could have left me sooner, but I guess I was a pleasant enough cumdumpster to keep around. So after 3 years of tolerating me he decided that the girl he really had a crush on was finally obtainable and threw my ass aside. When it came down to the day I walked into his apartment knowing. I always know, everything that is important I just know (the day I was fired from my job, when my grandfather died, the day my friends cafe went under) and he had that look of dread on his face when he knew, that I knew. And like the guilty puppy he was, he started blubbering like a child.

Nervous breakdowns are funny creatures. There is a certain amount of calm that comes with them (at least with mine). I was crying hysterically along with him, but at the same time I was so happy (YAY no more midnight surprise sex!!!). Of course I knew he was going to turn around and start chasing strange, but I still had it in my mind that he cared for me on some level. NOPE. Not even a week later they were dating. And that my friends is when rock bottom hit, you see I had to work with her. And he would come into the cafe and make nuzzle face with her on our over lapping shifts, something he never did with me. When I called him on it and asked him to stop he deferred with : I thought you were better/stronger than that, I didn’t realize you could be so petty, and my personal favourite, we’re not dating but were not-not dating so I don’t know why you are so upset.

///apply nervous breakdown with liberal amounts of tequila, dancing, unprotected sex, drugs, being homeless, and jobless///

My list of stupid shit included but was not limited to : shaving my head a la Britney Spears, getting into a car with a drunk driver, having sex with that drunk driver in the front seat of his mustang, living in my best friends living room for 3 months, taking 4 showers a day for 6 days because I can go catatonic in the shower, going home with just about any guy who hit on me, throwing away most of my worldly possessions in a fit of rage, threatened him with bodily harm & discourse. Of course those are the public things I did, there was also the several weeks I spent in bed crying & vomiting & dreaming about all the terrible ways he could die painfully.

At the time I didn’t really realize that I was losing it. When I hacked off all my hair I did it with a smile on my face (and yes there were bald spots, and I bleached it, and no I didn’t care – might have been a hint I wasn’t on the level). When I got rid of my apartment to avoid him (I lived across the street from him) and had no where to live I didn’t even think anything of it – thank god my best friend didn’t let me slum it. ALL OF IT SEEMED NORMAL… and now looking back it still seems normal. Human emotions are so complex, and these reactions are completely with in the realm of acceptable.

My close friends of course drug my ass through this. Even people who I didn’t realize were my close friends until I saw how much they were doing for me even though I had shown them indifference. I am lucky that despite the fact that he had created a rift between me and my friends for 3 years, they still knew me well enough to know exactly how much space to give me, and exactly when to push my buttons. I probably wouldn’t be alive let alone in Montreal if it hadn’t been for them. Some people who have breakdowns (ones far far worse than mine) aren’t so lucky.

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