I have watched so many friends try and flounder at polyamory. I myself currently am not doing so well with it, that being said I am not in an actual relationship with anyone at the moment so maybe I am excelling at it. Ive watched people cheat, which is incredibly difficult to do in an open relationship. Ive seen primary relationships take second and even third place to other relationships. Ive seen fallout that rivals trailer trash smackdowns. I always said that I would never have open relationships. Until I met the one person who was worth sacrificing that ideal for.
And that is always what people mean when they say those things :
– I’m not looking for a girlfriend = I dont see a girlfriend in you
– You are the only one I love = I am too afraid to lose affection to find any one else
– I will never be polyamorous = I am posessive and dont know how to play well with others
He was perfect. He was everything I wanted to be. He was silly, and happy, and light hearted. We had so much fun together. One night we found a baguette in a dumpster with a whole bunch of discarded eggs. We ended up covered in egg goo because of the dumpster baseball tourny we had in the abandoned parking lot. I blew off SO many french classes just to cuddle with him and watch blaxploitation films with him. While seeing him I was with 3 other people, and he was with some number I cant even remember. We had rules that worked for us, and he had different rules with his other partners – he may have been scattered brained sometimes but on this he was so “on it”.
He helped me realize that infact I can love more than one person at a time, and not only that but I can continue to carry on a love for a person and not have it eat away at my being. I still love him, despite the fact that I ended things with him – I still love him. Ending our relationship was one of the most difficult things Ive ever had to do. But I saw that if I continued to see him I would in turn destroy all of the things that I loved about his personality (silliness, happiness, giving heart)and I couldnt do that to him the way it had been done to me. But this experience restored in me hope.
The idea that polyamory needs to be complicated, or that monogamy needs to be smashed in the very literal way is absurd. That wisdom comes from trauma is a farce. My comfortable truth expanded my life more than any traumatic relationship has ever done. Causing pain to people you care about, consider yourself in a relationship with is downright cruel. so why anyone would ever venture into that territory is beyond me especially when they could have so much more.