“You know what your issue is? You have a problem with authority, as in you are attracted to it. You see it, you fuck it (cause fuck the police, man), and then you do the stupid ass thing of falling in love with it. Probably because you want to break down the(ir) system and show them that you can fight with the boys just as well as the rest of them. Way to go, you are an idiot.” – Eli

Well thank you Doctor Hardlove. I never would have guessed. It has only been my major downfall in every day of my life. As it is I am currently hung up on two men in points of authority. Both are just bad news for my heart.

Captain (Oh Captain, my Captain *dreamy eyes*) is just awful for my… everything. It is rare that I don’t have game when it comes to men. I can walk into just about any room and own it, but if it involves being around Captain I just lose all sense of direction, and self preservation. I have only met with him twice (you can start your quiet judging around here), we text two or three times a month, but goddamn… Boy gives the best vanilla sex I have ever had. I mean I would write home about this sex // Dear Diary, today I blew a glorious cock, and then I rode it into the sunset. It was the best day ever.// But this man, oh lord. This man is emotionally unavailable, & socially unavailable. He is a veteran (all the anarchists can now start a low grumble), he is a chef… which isn’t actually a bad thing but lets face it Ive been ass over end for enough chefs they never have time, they work 16 hours days sometimes. But he is beautiful. Like… every god got together and they all voted to put all the boy pretty into one person and BAM : Captain. And he has been actually intelligent, interesting, attractive, attentive, or maybe I am imagining that last one… I don’t know (low grumbles can turn to cause for concern now). I know I am rationalizing… because the fantasy of him is way less stressful than the reality of needy ass bitch boys who constantly want my attention. But the relaity of him would probably break my heart, so I will just keep him in a nice little bubble where in my head we cuddle naked a lot, and make out like teenagers. #problemsolved

Then there is Wunderkind, whom I actually see in real life on a regular basis. I know, it is such a miracle – be in awe of my ability to attract men. He works for the transit system, as a law enforcement… you can all cast your judgey eyes downwards thanks. He is sweet, and he is smart, he makes me dinner, and is really good at spooning, and the sex is so fucking stellar. But we have polar (POLAR) views on society and how it should be structured. And his job has him interacting with what some may consider the dredges of society, so he comes home in a foul mood because of it, and then I get into a foul mood because I don’t like hearing shit talk about minorities (or maybe I am just desensitized to it because of the people I hang out with). And I don’t like being in a foul mood because the boy I am banging works a job that makes him biased… And it will just be bad for my heart…

But I want them both, now, all the time, right away. Because every heart is irrational, and that is ok.