Ive been on a bit of a 50’s pop kick lately. I used to listen to this song as a child and fall in love with it every single time <3 Why did I have to go contract a case of the feels a year ago?

Oh Captain, my Captain.

I cant continue this. I cant continue to be so madly in wonderment with you. It causes me regret. I regret not being more proactive. I regret being so wildly attracted to you that I could barely function around you (although that couldnt actually be helped – it is rare that someone energizes me so much that all wild spirit causes me to stop like a deer in headlights, and I will not regret that). I regret not being honest, and telling you the first time you said “What ever makes you happy” that I hated that you had just said that, it caused me to think that you wanted nothing to do with me. I regret not letting you in, or trying to break down whatever godforsaken walls youve put up. And now you are gone all the way across the world, and I am here left in the dust.

I was raised to regret nothing. Never regret the things youve done, only regret the things you didnt do. But those are killing me now too. I wasnt ready for you. You are never ready for the people who will actively change you, especially when they don’t realize that they are changing you. Everyone wants me to be mad at you. I guess anger is the easiest way to be done with someone, to burn them out. But that seems cruel.

I keep telling myself that you arent as great as I think you are. That really you are just selfish (who isnt), or a player (who hasnt been), or that you are nothing but your past (no one is ever that simple). I wish you would just be obviously heartless towards me instead of giving me little pieces of hope.

 

what is this my 28789237th post about how I am so very done with you? it will happen… Im sure… I hope… Maybe…

I know that my fascination with you is absurd, especially now that you are on the other side of the planet. Of course I know, I feel the ridiculousness of it everytime you pass through my thoughts. They say curiosity killed the cat, but Im not dead yet – and no one will ever grasp how entirely curious I am about you. In any case these are just pointless letters written into 1s and 0s that you will likely never read. Part of me is grateful for that, the other part wishes you knew how hopeless I am so I could just… be.

 

I hate nightmares. I hate nightmares about people even more. Especially when they make the person out to be so cruel when I know it isnt in their nature. I had ~5hrs of nightmares where you were nothing but horrible to me. I probably need my brain to detox me from your Dick Magic but a gentler approach would have been appreciated.

 

I have lusted over a lot of boys, but it was usually empty pre-occupation – this blog is full of it. I got off on the idea of being desired. But Ive never actually thrown myself into the direct path of someone, when a path became available. It was possibly the stupidest thing Ive ever done… and I would do it again.

 

Things happen in odd ways. Captain is gone today. It is Ben’s birthday. My first boyfriend is getting married today (and I am sosososo happy for him). I start my chemistry course today, and dropped out of french classes. I found an omen that said follow my passion, invest in my future… It isnt that I dont know what my passion is, but rather that I have too many passions. Doe sit mean my passion for knowledge? My passion for travel/wealth/life? Does it mean my passion for love? Does it mean my passion for being left the fuck alone and living on a farm in the middle of nowhere? Too much passion not enough direction.

He said ‘thanks for being a good friend’ – what the hell do I even take away from that? Good friends do not want to blow you at all hours of the day or send you slutty selfies that they took just for you (well maybe they do… Ive got hooker standards though). Whatever. Nothing is going to change now. He is on a plane, and I am here in a library elbow deep in Atomic Nature. He deserves happiness and he is moving towards it. I suppose he is following his passion for family.