Living with anorexic tendancies is a lot like living with alcoholism. Everyday I have to check in with myself – Did I actually eat three meals? If no – Did I actually eat enough to sustain my body for the rest of the day? If no – DoI have food that I can eat in my immediate vacinity? If no – Where is there food that I can eat immediately…?
The thing that most people dont understand is that there is an addiction to anorexia. The addiction is not only in the mentality of the control. But the sensation, there is this burn in the pit of your stomach. When you feel it you know that your body is aching for something, but if you can just wrestle that feeling for another 3, 4, 5hr you will have won and you can reward yourself with that granola bar. Over coming that feeling, living in that burn, settling into that ache is masochistically comforting. Having people acknowledge that youve lost weight is addictive.
Dragging oneself out of an addiction is painful. This isnt someone just being lazy and not eating. It is an all consumming need to be in control of something, anything, whatever you can get your hands on, because you have no control over anything else. It isnt something you just “get over”. You dont just wake up one day and say “Nope not anorexic any more, TAH DAH”. People also seem ti think that once you are “better” that you are BETTER. It will never happen again, so why are you still complaining about it?
I walked into my local cupcakery, having not been there for 2 months and the first thing out of the girls mouth was “You lost weight, you look so good”. All I could think was “I could keep this up… no one would ever know. I could just keep living off 1.5 meals a day… Ive lived off less… I could do it…” I then smiled, ordered two cupcakes, took a swig of my extra large mocha, and sat down to a plate of gf pasta. Because I know better. I have lived through dragging myself out of anorexia 3 times.
3 times, people. Ive done it three times. It does not get easier. So if you know someone who has told you that they have been anorexic and they have triggers, please be careful. Tread lightly. Follow the steps they give you, so you don’t make things harder on them. Heart ache is bad enough. Heart ache + anorexia is pretty much the worst.