Living with anorexic tendancies is a lot like living with alcoholism. Everyday I have to check in with myself – Did I actually eat three meals? If no – Did I actually eat enough to sustain my body for the rest of the day? If no – DoI have food that I can eat in my immediate vacinity? If no – Where is there food that I can eat immediately…?

The thing that most people dont understand is that there is an addiction to anorexia. The addiction is not only in the mentality of the control. But the sensation, there is this burn in the pit of your stomach. When you feel it you know that your body is aching for something, but if you can just wrestle that feeling for another 3, 4, 5hr you will have won and you can reward yourself with that granola bar. Over coming that feeling, living in that burn, settling into that ache is masochistically comforting. Having people acknowledge that youve lost weight is addictive.

Dragging oneself out of an addiction is painful. This isnt someone just being lazy and not eating. It is an all consumming need to be in control of something, anything, whatever you can get your hands on, because you have no control over anything else. It isnt something you just “get over”. You dont just wake up one day and say “Nope not anorexic any more, TAH DAH”. People also seem ti think that once you are “better” that you are BETTER. It will never happen again, so why are you still complaining about it?

I walked into my local cupcakery, having not been there for 2 months and the first thing out of the girls mouth was “You lost weight, you look so good”. All I could think was “I could keep this up… no one would ever know. I could just keep living off 1.5 meals a day… Ive lived off less… I could do it…” I then smiled, ordered two cupcakes, took a swig of my extra large mocha, and sat down to a plate of gf pasta. Because I know better. I have lived through dragging myself out of anorexia 3 times.

3 times, people. Ive done it three times. It does not get easier. So if you know someone who has told you that they have been anorexic and they have triggers, please be careful. Tread lightly. Follow the steps they give you, so you don’t make things harder on them. Heart ache is bad enough. Heart ache + anorexia is pretty much the worst.

I had a miscarriage.

Before I get labeled heartless ; This pregnancy was unwanted. It was a slap in the face. A reminder that I was also unwanted by the person who gave me this little zygote-gift. And while I am sympathetic to women who have trouble concieving, this entry is going to reflect the fact that this was unwanted. Period.

I couldnt be happier. This is my second confirmed miscarriage (there is a third instance but there was no zygote sighting that time). The first was when I was 19, and it wasnt until I was staring into the toilet bowl this time that I even remembered that I had done this before. A tiny grey deflated bubble that had the potential for life waded in the massacre of my 12 day late blood. All I could think (both times) was “Whelp, Glad that sorted itself out”

I feel as though the only way people will take this seriously is if I mourn. But I am not about to. The person who gave me those 32cells was more than happy to flush away our relationship & friendship, so at the end of the day why should I mourn a life that never was? That night I went out to a bar and curled up with a handsome man. I will eventually have to tell him. I will eventually have to tell him a lot of things. But I needed one thing that day to be normal, and happy.

It wasnt until I told M40 about the miscarriage that he admit to how poorly he had treated me. Just let that sink in for a moment. It wasnt until he realized he could have had a life long commitment to me, or that he could have been stuck dealing with my abortion (because come on lets face it, that is what I would have done) that he came to terms with the fact that he had been an evasive, immature, twatwaffle. And he prepositioned it as if I somehow hadnt noticed that he had hurt me. That he had drug it out for 3 weeks, claiming that “things would just go back to normal, no big deal” when the reality of the situation is that he was already in a monogamous relationship with someone else, and I was somehow unaware. *golf clap* He still hasnt admit to dating anyone though, just that he let our relationship “disintegrate” *eyeroll*.

Whatever.
I had a miscarriage.
It wasnt the first time.
It probably wont be the last time.
Maybe next time I will have a reason to be sad that I lost a zygote.
May I never have to address this ever again.

My time is precious to me (as clumsily covered here). I respect other peoples time, and I expect the same from them. One thing that gets people released back into the wild – otherwise known as dumped – is when they don’t respect my time or make promises that they do not keep.

When I was seeing The Architect, he would always say that “no no, we will see each other before 6wks, promise this time” and while I never actually believed him, I was still a little bit pissed off that he never actually made an effort. Instead he would message me when he wasnt busy (read : when he needed to get his dick wet) and I would go over and give him a blow job. I got cuddles in return. No orgasms for Molly. Not a constructive use of my time.

So ditching someone because they didnt contact me, when I had set aside time for them that could have been better used – Gone. It has happened with people I would like to date, it has happened with fuck buddies, and it has happened with people who were important to me. I view it as a lack of respect and not valuing me. But I do value me. After 3yrs of abuse from my ex – I value me. And I am worth my own time. If I am not worth someone elses time, if they are too “busy”, have shiny new slut toy, only remember I exist when they have a hardon, then I have better people to do with my time.