… When you can’t run anymore, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that any more, well you find someone to carry you.

I have some pretty debilitating seasonal depression. I once spent an entire winter crying. If i was awake I was crying. My best friend to this day has a running joke about how I bleached all of his black tshirts with my tearsĀ  because he would find me crying and hold me til I stopped.

This past week has been nothing but a living hell for me. I was reprimanded at work repeatedly, my roommates are all being douches, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for 3 weeks, and I’ve been fighting off the urge to just walk into traffic.

The only thing that keeps me from walking into traffic or hurting myself is the fact that I feel like suicide is cheating. I believe in an after life and I wouldnt like my afterlife self a whole lot if I quit this soon in.

On monday when I was scolded at work, all I wanted to do was call Kimchi-ki crying and asking for support. Ugh what a dangerous place to be in. I dont want to be his girlfriend, he doesnt want a girlfriend, bt when a shitty day comes my way I just want to bury my face in his chest and pretend. Pretend that nothing else exists but that moment.

Top all this off with I had my period this week so I was already an emotional wreck and I could get my rocks off and this has just been the biggest shit show I’ve experienced in 2 years. I hate being an adult (in this moment).

My best friend messaged me this morning. The last 3 weeks I felt like I needed him, but today was the shit icing on the shit cake and out of nowhere he just sent me a message telling me he would be in town in 2 months, and that he loved me and missed me. It made me realize how much I need to get my shit together.