I hate nightmares. I hate nightmares about people even more. Especially when they make the person out to be so cruel when I know it isnt in their nature. I had ~5hrs of nightmares where you were nothing but horrible to me. I probably need my brain to detox me from your Dick Magic but a gentler approach would have been appreciated.

 

I have lusted over a lot of boys, but it was usually empty pre-occupation – this blog is full of it. I got off on the idea of being desired. But Ive never actually thrown myself into the direct path of someone, when a path became available. It was possibly the stupidest thing Ive ever done… and I would do it again.

 

I dont think I have felt this awkward in over 7yrs. Im not sure I like it. But I chase it. Who the hell am that I chase it now?

 

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“You know what your issue is? You have a problem with authority, as in you are attracted to it. You see it, you fuck it (cause fuck the police, man), and then you do the stupid ass thing of falling in love with it. Probably because you want to break down the(ir) system and show them that you can fight with the boys just as well as the rest of them. Way to go, you are an idiot.” – Eli

Well thank you Doctor Hardlove. I never would have guessed. It has only been my major downfall in every day of my life. As it is I am currently hung up on two men in points of authority. Both are just bad news for my heart.

Captain (Oh Captain, my Captain *dreamy eyes*) is just awful for my… everything. It is rare that I don’t have game when it comes to men. I can walk into just about any room and own it, but if it involves being around Captain I just lose all sense of direction, and self preservation. I have only met with him twice (you can start your quiet judging around here), we text two or three times a month, but goddamn… Boy gives the best vanilla sex I have ever had. I mean I would write home about this sex // Dear Diary, today I blew a glorious cock, and then I rode it into the sunset. It was the best day ever.// But this man, oh lord. This man is emotionally unavailable, & socially unavailable. He is a veteran (all the anarchists can now start a low grumble), he is a chef… which isn’t actually a bad thing but lets face it Ive been ass over end for enough chefs they never have time, they work 16 hours days sometimes. But he is beautiful. Like… every god got together and they all voted to put all the boy pretty into one person and BAM : Captain. And he has been actually intelligent, interesting, attractive, attentive, or maybe I am imagining that last one… I don’t know (low grumbles can turn to cause for concern now). I know I am rationalizing… because the fantasy of him is way less stressful than the reality of needy ass bitch boys who constantly want my attention. But the relaity of him would probably break my heart, so I will just keep him in a nice little bubble where in my head we cuddle naked a lot, and make out like teenagers. #problemsolved

Then there is Wunderkind, whom I actually see in real life on a regular basis. I know, it is such a miracle – be in awe of my ability to attract men. He works for the transit system, as a law enforcement… you can all cast your judgey eyes downwards thanks. He is sweet, and he is smart, he makes me dinner, and is really good at spooning, and the sex is so fucking stellar. But we have polar (POLAR) views on society and how it should be structured. And his job has him interacting with what some may consider the dredges of society, so he comes home in a foul mood because of it, and then I get into a foul mood because I don’t like hearing shit talk about minorities (or maybe I am just desensitized to it because of the people I hang out with). And I don’t like being in a foul mood because the boy I am banging works a job that makes him biased… And it will just be bad for my heart…

But I want them both, now, all the time, right away. Because every heart is irrational, and that is ok.

My rape was framed as BDSM. We had been texting for two or three weeks, about hooking up, and what types of sex we enjoyed. Eventually the topic of BDSM came up and we chatted about what BDSM meant to us, and what our limits were within hooking up & BDSM. Like many people who live with in the experiences of BDSM, the things I do with hookups and the things I do with longterm partners vary drastically. He introduced some topics that I quickly vetoed as being off limits for a hook up.

He came over immediately after bootcamp, he had texted me instructing me to start drinking before he got there. Am I ever glad I do not respond to authority well. Out of playful spite I did not start drinking. The up side to being sober is that I remember everything. The down side to being sober is that I remember everything. And these memories crop up at the worst times, even three years later.

Afterwards, men that I confided in & considered friends had the nerve to pose the question “Had it just been BDSM gone wrong?” or “Hadnt I asked for it?” (for the record, I never asked to be punched in the back of the head – or suffocated under pillows). These same men wondered why women would just shut down mid conversation about these topics. Broaching a difficult topic and being told that maybe we just have it all wrong, or having our friends play the “devils advocate” with our psychological well being isnt exactly something that will make us bare our hearts.

It took me a long time to feel angry. Feeling hurt happened almost immediately, but anger took a while. Anger felt like a luxury, as the guys had mentioned – Hadnt I invited this? No. I hadnt. I did not invite someone to take violent liberties with my body. I had invited someone to take pleasure in my body within a set of limits that I had set. Those limits were not only tested but broken. In that moment it became a non-consensual act. It became rape. Rape. RAPE. Does that word make you uncomfortable? Good. Being raped made me incredibly uncomfortable.

Dating sites are not unlike a warzone for those of us who are introverted (and female identifying or having of xx reproductive organs). It doesn’t matter how many messages you get, it is always too many. Whether I get 3 or 30 messages a day my reaction is always the same “Nope, not gonna happen. Don’t have time for this bullshit”. I recently closed my Tinder account because I had over 100 messages and only 6 of them were worth talking to.

This doesn’t even take into account the complete double standard that occurs on these sites. I have gotten introductory messages like this :

him : Hey
him : ;)
him : … you awake
him : HELLLLOOOOOO?!?!

When women do this we get accused of being thirsty, desperate, attention seeking, or needy. But when a guy does it? Nah it is OK, he is just being nice! NBD! And when he asks you where you live he totally wont go on google maps to cross reference it to see how far of a drive that is. Nopenopenope. Oh and if you actually ARE having a full fledged convo with them and disappear for what ever reason (cell battery dies, cafe internet goes down, got a phone call, sleep, someone came to your house, YOU KNOW LIFE AND SHIT) they send you 8 million messages about why you aren’t talking to them. But don’t worry, it is totally cool. It isnt a sign for the future. Oh no.  He is totally chill, so chill he needs to comment on all of your pictures and tell you how ‘sexy’ or ‘hot’ you look. You are totally his type, didn’t you know that? Don’t you feel special? What do you mean your low cut top wasnt an invitation for perfectly harmless objectification. Stupid bitch.

So I guess what I am saying is I should delete my other dating accounts as well… Because after 2 yrs of this bullshit my soul is a little worse for wear.