Oh Captain, my Captain.

I cant continue this. I cant continue to be so madly in wonderment with you. It causes me regret. I regret not being more proactive. I regret being so wildly attracted to you that I could barely function around you (although that couldnt actually be helped – it is rare that someone energizes me so much that all wild spirit causes me to stop like a deer in headlights, and I will not regret that). I regret not being honest, and telling you the first time you said “What ever makes you happy” that I hated that you had just said that, it caused me to think that you wanted nothing to do with me. I regret not letting you in, or trying to break down whatever godforsaken walls youve put up. And now you are gone all the way across the world, and I am here left in the dust.

I was raised to regret nothing. Never regret the things youve done, only regret the things you didnt do. But those are killing me now too. I wasnt ready for you. You are never ready for the people who will actively change you, especially when they don’t realize that they are changing you. Everyone wants me to be mad at you. I guess anger is the easiest way to be done with someone, to burn them out. But that seems cruel.

I keep telling myself that you arent as great as I think you are. That really you are just selfish (who isnt), or a player (who hasnt been), or that you are nothing but your past (no one is ever that simple). I wish you would just be obviously heartless towards me instead of giving me little pieces of hope.

 

what is this my 28789237th post about how I am so very done with you? it will happen… Im sure… I hope… Maybe…

Things happen in odd ways. Captain is gone today. It is Ben’s birthday. My first boyfriend is getting married today (and I am sosososo happy for him). I start my chemistry course today, and dropped out of french classes. I found an omen that said follow my passion, invest in my future… It isnt that I dont know what my passion is, but rather that I have too many passions. Doe sit mean my passion for knowledge? My passion for travel/wealth/life? Does it mean my passion for love? Does it mean my passion for being left the fuck alone and living on a farm in the middle of nowhere? Too much passion not enough direction.

He said ‘thanks for being a good friend’ – what the hell do I even take away from that? Good friends do not want to blow you at all hours of the day or send you slutty selfies that they took just for you (well maybe they do… Ive got hooker standards though). Whatever. Nothing is going to change now. He is on a plane, and I am here in a library elbow deep in Atomic Nature. He deserves happiness and he is moving towards it. I suppose he is following his passion for family.

“You know what your issue is? You have a problem with authority, as in you are attracted to it. You see it, you fuck it (cause fuck the police, man), and then you do the stupid ass thing of falling in love with it. Probably because you want to break down the(ir) system and show them that you can fight with the boys just as well as the rest of them. Way to go, you are an idiot.” – Eli

Well thank you Doctor Hardlove. I never would have guessed. It has only been my major downfall in every day of my life. As it is I am currently hung up on two men in points of authority. Both are just bad news for my heart.

Captain (Oh Captain, my Captain *dreamy eyes*) is just awful for my… everything. It is rare that I don’t have game when it comes to men. I can walk into just about any room and own it, but if it involves being around Captain I just lose all sense of direction, and self preservation. I have only met with him twice (you can start your quiet judging around here), we text two or three times a month, but goddamn… Boy gives the best vanilla sex I have ever had. I mean I would write home about this sex // Dear Diary, today I blew a glorious cock, and then I rode it into the sunset. It was the best day ever.// But this man, oh lord. This man is emotionally unavailable, & socially unavailable. He is a veteran (all the anarchists can now start a low grumble), he is a chef… which isn’t actually a bad thing but lets face it Ive been ass over end for enough chefs they never have time, they work 16 hours days sometimes. But he is beautiful. Like… every god got together and they all voted to put all the boy pretty into one person and BAM : Captain. And he has been actually intelligent, interesting, attractive, attentive, or maybe I am imagining that last one… I don’t know (low grumbles can turn to cause for concern now). I know I am rationalizing… because the fantasy of him is way less stressful than the reality of needy ass bitch boys who constantly want my attention. But the relaity of him would probably break my heart, so I will just keep him in a nice little bubble where in my head we cuddle naked a lot, and make out like teenagers. #problemsolved

Then there is Wunderkind, whom I actually see in real life on a regular basis. I know, it is such a miracle – be in awe of my ability to attract men. He works for the transit system, as a law enforcement… you can all cast your judgey eyes downwards thanks. He is sweet, and he is smart, he makes me dinner, and is really good at spooning, and the sex is so fucking stellar. But we have polar (POLAR) views on society and how it should be structured. And his job has him interacting with what some may consider the dredges of society, so he comes home in a foul mood because of it, and then I get into a foul mood because I don’t like hearing shit talk about minorities (or maybe I am just desensitized to it because of the people I hang out with). And I don’t like being in a foul mood because the boy I am banging works a job that makes him biased… And it will just be bad for my heart…

But I want them both, now, all the time, right away. Because every heart is irrational, and that is ok.

Montreal is a beautiful city. It is my city. It is a place that I feel at home in. It is the first place I have ever felt at home in. But it is not my home.

Even though it is beautiful, with¬†amazing music & art scenes, full of vibrant personalities. Our love affair will be short, I know you are all thinking 4yrs is fairly long to begin with but it is all perspective. This city with its calm hustle and bustle, it’s movers and its shakers, just isnt for me in the long run.

My neighbourhood here is great. The edge of HoMa is just far enough away from the plateau (but I do miss my house on StHubert & Rachel), and the Downtown that I dont feel smothered. But still close enough that all of my friends are a 15m bike ride away. All of my favourite bars are located next to my favourite parcs or my very best friends. Life is easy.

But I miss the ocean. I miss the feel of moss under my feet, or hearing rushing water all around me at a river. I miss small town corner stores, and gas stations that double as souvenir shops (that you would never buy anything from). I miss truck stop diners, even though I am allergic to everything on their menus. And I miss walking out to the front of the road to get my mail from the community mail box.

So sometime soon I hope to run away. Back to a small town, where I can just be, and not have to constantly analyse the politics of my being.

Running around, covered in mud, climbing cliff faces in Tata’, scrapes – bumps – bruises, falling out of trees, skidding down 15ft deep ditches, and getting lost in the woods. I grew up living a tiny adventure, and I need a life full of newness. This is one of the reasons I had to move away from Halifax. I thought I could pretend that I found the town fulfilling, but in the end lying to myself almost killed me emotionally… twice.

A lot of people accuse me of running away from my problems, but my biggest problem was the town I lived in, and the other people who lived there. I ran away, gladly. But I knew that there had to be bigger and better things in the world than that tiny place. My father has lived his entire life in Nova Scotia between Halifax and Hubbards (30min outside of Halifax) and that is enough for him. But my mother has lived in different cities and despite our differences she has always inspired me to get out, get away, get to safe ground.

Montreal is my safe ground. There is always something new on the horizon. There are always beautiful people filling up my time. There is just enough Drama to make sure the ups actually look appealing and to keep the downs at arms length.

My small island saved me from drowning on the mainland.