I dont think I have felt this awkward in over 7yrs. Im not sure I like it. But I chase it. Who the hell am that I chase it now?



You can take the man out of the fight, but can you take the fight out of the man? Will I be abandoning my beliefs? Will I be abandoning my friends? Do I care? Have I ever cared? How does that affect me and the world as I perceive it? How does that affect the way others perceive me? Is that relevant? Is anything really relevant? at what point do my actions cause another reaction? If reaction is chemical, what is attraction? Am I really attracted to him? Or am I attracted to the archetype of him that I have created? But how did I create the archetype? It must have been based on empirical evidence? You can take the girl out of the dream, but can you take the dream out of the girl?

“You know what your issue is? You have a problem with authority, as in you are attracted to it. You see it, you fuck it (cause fuck the police, man), and then you do the stupid ass thing of falling in love with it. Probably because you want to break down the(ir) system and show them that you can fight with the boys just as well as the rest of them. Way to go, you are an idiot.” – Eli

Well thank you Doctor Hardlove. I never would have guessed. It has only been my major downfall in every day of my life. As it is I am currently hung up on two men in points of authority. Both are just bad news for my heart.

Captain (Oh Captain, my Captain *dreamy eyes*) is just awful for my… everything. It is rare that I don’t have game when it comes to men. I can walk into just about any room and own it, but if it involves being around Captain I just lose all sense of direction, and self preservation. I have only met with him twice (you can start your quiet judging around here), we text two or three times a month, but goddamn… Boy gives the best vanilla sex I have ever had. I mean I would write home about this sex // Dear Diary, today I blew a glorious cock, and then I rode it into the sunset. It was the best day ever.// But this man, oh lord. This man is emotionally unavailable, & socially unavailable. He is a veteran (all the anarchists can now start a low grumble), he is a chef… which isn’t actually a bad thing but lets face it Ive been ass over end for enough chefs they never have time, they work 16 hours days sometimes. But he is beautiful. Like… every god got together and they all voted to put all the boy pretty into one person and BAM : Captain. And he has been actually intelligent, interesting, attractive, attentive, or maybe I am imagining that last one… I don’t know (low grumbles can turn to cause for concern now). I know I am rationalizing… because the fantasy of him is way less stressful than the reality of needy ass bitch boys who constantly want my attention. But the relaity of him would probably break my heart, so I will just keep him in a nice little bubble where in my head we cuddle naked a lot, and make out like teenagers. #problemsolved

Then there is Wunderkind, whom I actually see in real life on a regular basis. I know, it is such a miracle – be in awe of my ability to attract men. He works for the transit system, as a law enforcement… you can all cast your judgey eyes downwards thanks. He is sweet, and he is smart, he makes me dinner, and is really good at spooning, and the sex is so fucking stellar. But we have polar (POLAR) views on society and how it should be structured. And his job has him interacting with what some may consider the dredges of society, so he comes home in a foul mood because of it, and then I get into a foul mood because I don’t like hearing shit talk about minorities (or maybe I am just desensitized to it because of the people I hang out with). And I don’t like being in a foul mood because the boy I am banging works a job that makes him biased… And it will just be bad for my heart…

But I want them both, now, all the time, right away. Because every heart is irrational, and that is ok.

My rape was framed as BDSM. We had been texting for two or three weeks, about hooking up, and what types of sex we enjoyed. Eventually the topic of BDSM came up and we chatted about what BDSM meant to us, and what our limits were within hooking up & BDSM. Like many people who live with in the experiences of BDSM, the things I do with hookups and the things I do with longterm partners vary drastically. He introduced some topics that I quickly vetoed as being off limits for a hook up.

He came over immediately after bootcamp, he had texted me instructing me to start drinking before he got there. Am I ever glad I do not respond to authority well. Out of playful spite I did not start drinking. The up side to being sober is that I remember everything. The down side to being sober is that I remember everything. And these memories crop up at the worst times, even three years later.

Afterwards, men that I confided in & considered friends had the nerve to pose the question “Had it just been BDSM gone wrong?” or “Hadnt I asked for it?” (for the record, I never asked to be punched in the back of the head – or suffocated under pillows). These same men wondered why women would just shut down mid conversation about these topics. Broaching a difficult topic and being told that maybe we just have it all wrong, or having our friends play the “devils advocate” with our psychological well being isnt exactly something that will make us bare our hearts.

It took me a long time to feel angry. Feeling hurt happened almost immediately, but anger took a while. Anger felt like a luxury, as the guys had mentioned – Hadnt I invited this? No. I hadnt. I did not invite someone to take violent liberties with my body. I had invited someone to take pleasure in my body within a set of limits that I had set. Those limits were not only tested but broken. In that moment it became a non-consensual act. It became rape. Rape. RAPE. Does that word make you uncomfortable? Good. Being raped made me incredibly uncomfortable.

Life is prostitution.
We sit in cubicals exchanging time/labour for money.
We date, we say I will provide you with fun and a new group of friends for sex, security, and sanity.
We give grocers money for goods and services.

In the first world, life is prostitution. We choose every day to barter with our happiness & our money. Other parts of the world they arent so lucky. They are forced into labour without pay. Marriages are arranged (an even more frightening form of prostitution).

The only type of prostitution we are actually against in the first world is sexual prostitution.

Soon it will be my first day with the “Girlfriend experience”. In short, escorting. I was very up front about this with someone who had been chatting with me online. Before hand I had told him that I was dating several people, which is true. A few days later I decided to enter into this world that so many people have mixed dialogue about, and I told him. He was all of a sudden hesitant to meet me. I am still the same person I was before I am still fucking just as many people as before, I just happen to be trading them something more than a few hours of my life for it. And this upset him. For me there is nothing different about this than being an ethical slut, it isntas if I was about to start charging him for his time. I didnt have to tell him, but I did out of respect for full disclosure. Also because I find nothing shameful in it. Currently I exchange 4-10 hr a week with strangers so that they can get their dicks wet and never call me again. I would rather stream line that process and get a pay off that is actually worth headache of a one night stand.

In a society where everything is done for a profit,the one thing that women could excel at making a profit with is taken away from them.

[[ understand that I am aware of human trafficking, pimping and other base forms of prostitution. I am speaking particularly about a choice a person makes with full knowledge of what they are doing ]]