“You know what your issue is? You have a problem with authority, as in you are attracted to it. You see it, you fuck it (cause fuck the police, man), and then you do the stupid ass thing of falling in love with it. Probably because you want to break down the(ir) system and show them that you can fight with the boys just as well as the rest of them. Way to go, you are an idiot.” – Eli

Well thank you Doctor Hardlove. I never would have guessed. It has only been my major downfall in every day of my life. As it is I am currently hung up on two men in points of authority. Both are just bad news for my heart.

Captain (Oh Captain, my Captain *dreamy eyes*) is just awful for my… everything. It is rare that I don’t have game when it comes to men. I can walk into just about any room and own it, but if it involves being around Captain I just lose all sense of direction, and self preservation. I have only met with him twice (you can start your quiet judging around here), we text two or three times a month, but goddamn… Boy gives the best vanilla sex I have ever had. I mean I would write home about this sex // Dear Diary, today I blew a glorious cock, and then I rode it into the sunset. It was the best day ever.// But this man, oh lord. This man is emotionally unavailable, & socially unavailable. He is a veteran (all the anarchists can now start a low grumble), he is a chef… which isn’t actually a bad thing but lets face it Ive been ass over end for enough chefs they never have time, they work 16 hours days sometimes. But he is beautiful. Like… every god got together and they all voted to put all the boy pretty into one person and BAM : Captain. And he has been actually intelligent, interesting, attractive, attentive, or maybe I am imagining that last one… I don’t know (low grumbles can turn to cause for concern now). I know I am rationalizing… because the fantasy of him is way less stressful than the reality of needy ass bitch boys who constantly want my attention. But the relaity of him would probably break my heart, so I will just keep him in a nice little bubble where in my head we cuddle naked a lot, and make out like teenagers. #problemsolved

Then there is Wunderkind, whom I actually see in real life on a regular basis. I know, it is such a miracle – be in awe of my ability to attract men. He works for the transit system, as a law enforcement… you can all cast your judgey eyes downwards thanks. He is sweet, and he is smart, he makes me dinner, and is really good at spooning, and the sex is so fucking stellar. But we have polar (POLAR) views on society and how it should be structured. And his job has him interacting with what some may consider the dredges of society, so he comes home in a foul mood because of it, and then I get into a foul mood because I don’t like hearing shit talk about minorities (or maybe I am just desensitized to it because of the people I hang out with). And I don’t like being in a foul mood because the boy I am banging works a job that makes him biased… And it will just be bad for my heart…

But I want them both, now, all the time, right away. Because every heart is irrational, and that is ok.

My time is precious to me (as clumsily covered here). I respect other peoples time, and I expect the same from them. One thing that gets people released back into the wild – otherwise known as dumped – is when they don’t respect my time or make promises that they do not keep.

When I was seeing The Architect, he would always say that “no no, we will see each other before 6wks, promise this time” and while I never actually believed him, I was still a little bit pissed off that he never actually made an effort. Instead he would message me when he wasnt busy (read : when he needed to get his dick wet) and I would go over and give him a blow job. I got cuddles in return. No orgasms for Molly. Not a constructive use of my time.

So ditching someone because they didnt contact me, when I had set aside time for them that could have been better used – Gone. It has happened with people I would like to date, it has happened with fuck buddies, and it has happened with people who were important to me. I view it as a lack of respect and not valuing me. But I do value me. After 3yrs of abuse from my ex – I value me. And I am worth my own time. If I am not worth someone elses time, if they are too “busy”, have shiny new slut toy, only remember I exist when they have a hardon, then I have better people to do with my time.

… When you can’t run anymore, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that any more, well you find someone to carry you.

I have some pretty debilitating seasonal depression. I once spent an entire winter crying. If i was awake I was crying. My best friend to this day has a running joke about how I bleached all of his black tshirts with my tearsĀ  because he would find me crying and hold me til I stopped.

This past week has been nothing but a living hell for me. I was reprimanded at work repeatedly, my roommates are all being douches, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for 3 weeks, and I’ve been fighting off the urge to just walk into traffic.

The only thing that keeps me from walking into traffic or hurting myself is the fact that I feel like suicide is cheating. I believe in an after life and I wouldnt like my afterlife self a whole lot if I quit this soon in.

On monday when I was scolded at work, all I wanted to do was call Kimchi-ki crying and asking for support. Ugh what a dangerous place to be in. I dont want to be his girlfriend, he doesnt want a girlfriend, bt when a shitty day comes my way I just want to bury my face in his chest and pretend. Pretend that nothing else exists but that moment.

Top all this off with I had my period this week so I was already an emotional wreck and I could get my rocks off and this has just been the biggest shit show I’ve experienced in 2 years. I hate being an adult (in this moment).

My best friend messaged me this morning. The last 3 weeks I felt like I needed him, but today was the shit icing on the shit cake and out of nowhere he just sent me a message telling me he would be in town in 2 months, and that he loved me and missed me. It made me realize how much I need to get my shit together.