You can take the man out of the fight, but can you take the fight out of the man? Will I be abandoning my beliefs? Will I be abandoning my friends? Do I care? Have I ever cared? How does that affect me and the world as I perceive it? How does that affect the way others perceive me? Is that relevant? Is anything really relevant? at what point do my actions cause another reaction? If reaction is chemical, what is attraction? Am I really attracted to him? Or am I attracted to the archetype of him that I have created? But how did I create the archetype? It must have been based on empirical evidence? You can take the girl out of the dream, but can you take the dream out of the girl?

“You know what your issue is? You have a problem with authority, as in you are attracted to it. You see it, you fuck it (cause fuck the police, man), and then you do the stupid ass thing of falling in love with it. Probably because you want to break down the(ir) system and show them that you can fight with the boys just as well as the rest of them. Way to go, you are an idiot.” – Eli

Well thank you Doctor Hardlove. I never would have guessed. It has only been my major downfall in every day of my life. As it is I am currently hung up on two men in points of authority. Both are just bad news for my heart.

Captain (Oh Captain, my Captain *dreamy eyes*) is just awful for my… everything. It is rare that I don’t have game when it comes to men. I can walk into just about any room and own it, but if it involves being around Captain I just lose all sense of direction, and self preservation. I have only met with him twice (you can start your quiet judging around here), we text two or three times a month, but goddamn… Boy gives the best vanilla sex I have ever had. I mean I would write home about this sex // Dear Diary, today I blew a glorious cock, and then I rode it into the sunset. It was the best day ever.// But this man, oh lord. This man is emotionally unavailable, & socially unavailable. He is a veteran (all the anarchists can now start a low grumble), he is a chef… which isn’t actually a bad thing but lets face it Ive been ass over end for enough chefs they never have time, they work 16 hours days sometimes. But he is beautiful. Like… every god got together and they all voted to put all the boy pretty into one person and BAM : Captain. And he has been actually intelligent, interesting, attractive, attentive, or maybe I am imagining that last one… I don’t know (low grumbles can turn to cause for concern now). I know I am rationalizing… because the fantasy of him is way less stressful than the reality of needy ass bitch boys who constantly want my attention. But the relaity of him would probably break my heart, so I will just keep him in a nice little bubble where in my head we cuddle naked a lot, and make out like teenagers. #problemsolved

Then there is Wunderkind, whom I actually see in real life on a regular basis. I know, it is such a miracle – be in awe of my ability to attract men. He works for the transit system, as a law enforcement… you can all cast your judgey eyes downwards thanks. He is sweet, and he is smart, he makes me dinner, and is really good at spooning, and the sex is so fucking stellar. But we have polar (POLAR) views on society and how it should be structured. And his job has him interacting with what some may consider the dredges of society, so he comes home in a foul mood because of it, and then I get into a foul mood because I don’t like hearing shit talk about minorities (or maybe I am just desensitized to it because of the people I hang out with). And I don’t like being in a foul mood because the boy I am banging works a job that makes him biased… And it will just be bad for my heart…

But I want them both, now, all the time, right away. Because every heart is irrational, and that is ok.

Dating sites are not unlike a warzone for those of us who are introverted (and female identifying or having of xx reproductive organs). It doesn’t matter how many messages you get, it is always too many. Whether I get 3 or 30 messages a day my reaction is always the same “Nope, not gonna happen. Don’t have time for this bullshit”. I recently closed my Tinder account because I had over 100 messages and only 6 of them were worth talking to.

This doesn’t even take into account the complete double standard that occurs on these sites. I have gotten introductory messages like this :

him : Hey
him : ;)
him : … you awake
him : HELLLLOOOOOO?!?!

When women do this we get accused of being thirsty, desperate, attention seeking, or needy. But when a guy does it? Nah it is OK, he is just being nice! NBD! And when he asks you where you live he totally wont go on google maps to cross reference it to see how far of a drive that is. Nopenopenope. Oh and if you actually ARE having a full fledged convo with them and disappear for what ever reason (cell battery dies, cafe internet goes down, got a phone call, sleep, someone came to your house, YOU KNOW LIFE AND SHIT) they send you 8 million messages about why you aren’t talking to them. But don’t worry, it is totally cool. It isnt a sign for the future. Oh no.¬† He is totally chill, so chill he needs to comment on all of your pictures and tell you how ‘sexy’ or ‘hot’ you look. You are totally his type, didn’t you know that? Don’t you feel special? What do you mean your low cut top wasnt an invitation for perfectly harmless objectification. Stupid bitch.

So I guess what I am saying is I should delete my other dating accounts as well… Because after 2 yrs of this bullshit my soul is a little worse for wear.

Running around, covered in mud, climbing cliff faces in Tata’, scrapes – bumps – bruises, falling out of trees, skidding down 15ft deep ditches, and getting lost in the woods. I grew up living a tiny adventure, and I need a life full of newness. This is one of the reasons I had to move away from Halifax. I thought I could pretend that I found the town fulfilling, but in the end lying to myself almost killed me emotionally… twice.

A lot of people accuse me of running away from my problems, but my biggest problem was the town I lived in, and the other people who lived there. I ran away, gladly. But I knew that there had to be bigger and better things in the world than that tiny place. My father has lived his entire life in Nova Scotia between Halifax and Hubbards (30min outside of Halifax) and that is enough for him. But my mother has lived in different cities and despite our differences she has always inspired me to get out, get away, get to safe ground.

Montreal is my safe ground. There is always something new on the horizon. There are always beautiful people filling up my time. There is just enough Drama to make sure the ups actually look appealing and to keep the downs at arms length.

My small island saved me from drowning on the mainland.

My time is precious to me (as clumsily covered here). I respect other peoples time, and I expect the same from them. One thing that gets people released back into the wild – otherwise known as dumped – is when they don’t respect my time or make promises that they do not keep.

When I was seeing The Architect, he would always say that “no no, we will see each other before 6wks, promise this time” and while I never actually believed him, I was still a little bit pissed off that he never actually made an effort. Instead he would message me when he wasnt busy (read : when he needed to get his dick wet) and I would go over and give him a blow job. I got cuddles in return. No orgasms for Molly. Not a constructive use of my time.

So ditching someone because they didnt contact me, when I had set aside time for them that could have been better used – Gone. It has happened with people I would like to date, it has happened with fuck buddies, and it has happened with people who were important to me. I view it as a lack of respect and not valuing me. But I do value me. After 3yrs of abuse from my ex – I value me. And I am worth my own time. If I am not worth someone elses time, if they are too “busy”, have shiny new slut toy, only remember I exist when they have a hardon, then I have better people to do with my time.