Why do I need a Womens & Trans only queer event.

When ci/het-men ask me “Why do we have to have Women and Trans only events in the BDSM scene?” it is usually followed by the statement “It isnt like I would ever do anything to hurt someone in the scene” I have an immediate reacion. To vomit, all over their 401K, 120grand a year shoes. Mostly because when I am “asked” this they do not want me to actually answer, they want me to nod in agreement, and that in itself is a reason for needing the space.

Why do we have to have -anything- only events/spaces? : because that group of people is TELLING YOU they would like to have and potentially feel as though they need that space. Youve totally heard that it is a blast and you are sad you cant attend too? Guess what, it is a blast. It is a blast because people like you arent there. There is no ego, there is no pompe or posture, there is no insecurity that cant be cured by a harmless puppy pile and a cookie, there is no unwanted objectification, and there is always consent and communication.

Everyone who attends these events has different reasons for wanting to keep these events ‘private’. One of the most common reasons is comfort. You may argue that you are comfortable so therefor why shouldn’t everyone be comfortable – if only it worked that way oh privileged one. I would like to cover a few of the sentences/ideas that have been posed to me during these sorts of “conversations”.

“It isn’t like I would ever do anything to hurt/objectify someone” : do you know who says this? People who don’t check their privilege and end up “unintentionally” hurting people. In other words being too focused on their own pleasure to be aware of another persons well being. Do you know who has said this to me? My rapists. People who have coerced me into situations I did not want to be in. This sentence is the sexual equivalent to “I’m not racist, but…”. You say you want to play nice with the big kids who negotiate consent? So put the work in, stop the “I would never” crap. Words don’t mean a whole lot when promises can be broken, and broken promises lead to broken trust. Instead of using your words, use your body & mind to give us space. As for objectification, we spend all day comparing ourselves to what we think other people will like. Even if we tell ourselves we don’t (or we don’t seem as if we are one of those people) in some small ways we do. Adding that mentality into our play time doesn’t allow us space to decompress our identities and express our appreciation for other female bodies.

“I don’t see gender/colour/economics” : Do you understand what you are saying when you say this? I get where you are coming from, when I thought I was an ally I used to say this. And then I actually got thrown into the deep end of dating queers, dating QoC, and being catapulted into a new economic bracket after having lived most of my life below the poverty line. What you are saying is “The only discrimination I face is when people of diversity don’t want to play nice with me because I am a ignorant to minority plights so Ive come up with this band-aid phrase to hopefully appease them without actually having to do any work”. You are completely discounting an entire group of peoples experiences as not worth noticing. Why would they ever want to spend their recreational time with you?

“Where is the fun in having a no cocks BDSM party?” : Scuuuze? At what point in time did women as a whole body become dependent on cock for our main source of validation? Where was I when that memo came out, cause bitch I ain’t ne’er got it. While it has been driven into womens heads that we need a sig-oth to be valuable many of us are not hetero and do not feel like playing into your saviour complex. As it is we have enough terrible media telling us that we are nothing without a male counterpoint to save us from the big bad world that the patriarchy created. If we want a space where the big bad world doesn’t even come into play, and we don’t need anyone but ourselves – who are you to come in cocks a blazing?

 “I dont have an ego, so that isnt why it upsets me” : I’m sorry, but Shuuut Uuup. Every one has an ego. Outwardly proclaiming you don’t have one is a lie, and is just a cover up for how self important you think you are. The less you insisting you are, the more likely you are to be included. So many Tops & Doms in the scene train their subs to learn patience, so take a lesson from your own books boys and cool your tits.

“I am all about consent and communication” : So please listen to me when I communicate that I am not consenting to you being in my space.

(I do recognize that there are real actual Gems of cis-het dudes. I have several partners who are, they always gives me a pat on the ass and a kiss on the forhead without question when I say I am off to one of my womens only events. But sadly the number of “WHYYYY”‘s greatly outweighs the number of “HURRAY”‘s)

I could see that she knew pain, in the way she wouldn’t quite smile. It was there, she put it on her face but that was where it stayed,  floating at the surface. She would say that she was an unfinished illustration even though as artists, we both knew that great works of art are never really done. She talked to me like we were old friends, I told her the truth… The pieces of truth that I could bare to hear come from my mouth. I knew she saw through the veil, but she didn’t push me. She told me things I know she told everyone else. But she would tell me in a hushed tone, and it always felt like a secret – a reaction leftover from our different social conditioning.

She was patient without being forceful – I needed that. It was quick, and afterwards I felt beautiful. As though she had given me back something all the boys had taken away from me.

I’ve never told her, but I love her. She is Beautiful. She is someone I will never be no matter how hard I try – and I love her. I don’t love her the way she wants me to, but I love her in way that will never fail her. I love her in way that she needs, even if she doesn’t know it. I love her in the way that means I will drop everyone and everything else in my life, because she is having a day; the type of day that defies description in how overwhelming it is. I love her when I wake up at 3am to her text messages that just say “hi, tee hee” and I wake up long enough to respond with “sugartits!!! poutine?” and let me just tell you, I only wake up for one other person (in other words the list is short). I love her when I order chicken poutine, and she wants to eat all of the chicken off of it because she “hasn’t had any protein today”, even though she knows it is too salty and her nose scrunches up with each bite.

I have never been more proud of someone. She has over come so much and now she is in the final steps to becoming that complete illustration.

This is how my Tattoo Artist became one of the most important people in my life. How did I end up trusting her with my flesh? I knew from the moment we sat facing one another that I was meeting with one of the most resilient women I would ever come across. Not reaching out the her extended hand would have been crazy. And now it is a crazy type of love, and no matter where I go I am reminded of her every time someone compliments my chest piece. I become a better person every time I am reminded. I can’t not love & trust this woman.